martes, mayo 17, 2005

Manual de la perfecta musculoca


"no tenía que haberme comido ese último kilo de helado de chocolate ..."

Uno de mis mejores amigos aquí es un griego cretino, no porque me caiga mal sino porque es de Creta. Es todo un personaje, le dije que debería escribir un blog contando todas sus experiencias pero me miró con cara de ¨tú eres un poquito freaky niño¨, y de todas maneras leer un blog en griego es un poquito frustrante.

(además cada vez que voy a su casa está dandome el coñazo sin parar con la canción griega de Eurovisión, está totalmente convencido de que van a ganar este año… a mi Eurovisión no me va mucho porque nadie canta house, pero si me quedara con una canción sería la de Chipre, que el cantante está como un puto tren )

El estrés le viene al griego de su vigorexia… como buena musculoca que se precie, cuando llega el mes de mayo se estresa mogollón porque no tiene un cuerpo perfecto y porque en vacaciones comió mucho cordero… dice que se quiere quitar 5 kilos de encima (todavía estoy intentando averiguar de donde) en dos semanas con una dieta baja en grasa y carbohidratos y suplementos de carnitina y después hacer una dieta de musculación con suplementos de proteinas y creatina (para que luego digan que las musculocas no tienen cultura).

Es lo bueno de tener un amigo musculoca, que se aprende una barbaridad... en todo club de amigos hay algunos personajes que son imprescindibles para tener una vida social completa, una musculoca, una moderna, un diyei, un camello, un militante de juventudes socialistas, un farmaceutico y un estudiante de comunicación audiovisual.

El caso es que el griego quiere que haga con él el plan de choque veraniego, no me vendría mal porque en el tour veraniego que estamos planeando más de la mitad de las opciones son fiestas en las que poca gente va con camiseta y no es cuestión de desentonar, el problema es que su plan de choque solo le va a funcionar a él, porque ha estado yendo al gym con total regularidad durante el invierno, mientras que yo me he dedicado a beber güiskachos con coca cola y fumar petas, y es que intenté ir al gym con el griego pero me llevaba por el camino de la amargura, yo que estaba tan feliz por haberme librao de la mili y me apunto al gym con la versión musculoca de la teniente O´Neil…

Pero bueno, lo importante es que he recopilado sus consejos de musculoca y los he adaptado para vagos, así que en un mes todos podremos convertirnos en musculocas y estar rodeados de chulazos este verano… ¡ aquí van !

1. Los primeros días no se puede luchar contra las agujetas, el truco consiste en usarlas como motivación para ir al gym con regularidad… al volver a casa después de entrenar hay que fumarse un porro, sentiremos las agujetas y dolor en cada rincón muscular de nuestro cuerpo, esto nos ayudará a identificar todos los músculos del cuerpo que hemos entrenado, si hay alguna zona del cuerpo que no te duela especialmente, al día siguiente, centrate en esa zona !!

2. Confía en los adelgazantes naturales, que los otros no son muy sanos… el café y el tabaco funcionan maravillosamente, y cualquier derivado de las anfetaminas también, yo he visto pocos pastilleros gordos…

3. Lo de vomitar después de las comidas ya no se lleva, es bien sabido que para crear masa muscular hay que comer mucho y de todo, además, la comida mas fuerte debe ser el desayuno, así que no te cortes y desayuna los restos de pizza que quedaron encima de la mesa después de la fiesta de ayer.


4. Otro mito es el de que el alcohol engorda, una cosa es cuidar la alimentación, pero por lo de no beber alcohol no paso, tampoco es plan de amargarse. Mi recomendación es beber alcohol a lo bestia, así, aparte de pillarnos un pelotazo genial, al llegar a casa echaremos la pota, con lo cual no convertiremos el alcohol bebido en grasa, y como es pota de borracho, no se considera bulimia.

5. Más mitos, eso de beber mucha agua no es tan bueno, hay que beber la justa, no hay quien se concentre en el gimnasio si te dan ganas de mear cada 10 minutos.

6. Procura localizar un chulazo en tu gimnasio e ir a la misma hora que él a entrenar, así irás al gym con más ganas, incluso los días de resaca.

7. Elimina durante un mes tus contactos con amistades que puedan ser malas influencias y que te propongan planes alternativos a ir al gym, como fans del Mac Donalds que quieran ir a probar el nuevo Mac Tronchi deluxe XXL (aunque suene sugerente lo de XXL no es lo que parece), estudiantes de audiovisuales que te inviten a ver una maratón de Gran Hermano de 6 horas en el sofá o gente con algo de cultura general que te propongan ir a un mitin republicano o a una exposición de arte conceptual. El programa es intensivo de un mes y tienes que estar totalmente volcado en él, pon una excusa creible para perderte ese mes, como que te has apuntado a un programa de rehabilitación de toxicómanos o algo así.

8. Para empezar a ver resultados rápidos, préstale esa camiseta que te queda un poco ajustada de más y te da corte ponerte a tu amigo musculoca mas cercano, que se la ponga para dormir algunas noches seguidas, estirará lo suficiente de hombros y pecho como para que nos quede genial después a nosotros, ya podemos empezar a alternar por sitios de musculocas, como por ejemplo el Z en Alicante, la Cool en Madrid o Salvation y Souvenir en Barcelona.

9. Ir de afters es una actividad complementaria al gimnasio muy buena, cuanto mas tiempo estés despierto y bailando mas calorías quemas, además, en los afters hay muchas musculosas, verlos sin camiseta sirve de motivación para continuar con el programa de musculocación. Otro truco consiste en tirarle los tejos a la musculoca mas borracha y/o drogada que veas, caerá fácilmente, y si es posible, hay que ir a su casa, así podemos espiar si tiene algún truco especial de musculoca que no sepamos.

10. Empieza a introducirte en la cultura musculoca, aprende los conceptos más importantes como trío, after, jaus, reif, sauna, éttasi, batido de proteinas, Ámsterdam o pectorales… procura usar esas palabras muy a menudo en tu vocabulario.

Si pese a este gran programa no ves los resultados cuando haya pasado el mes, no te preocupes, porque al menos ya lo conoces y será mas rapido de hacer el mayo que viene, este verano nos dedicaremos a bailar el requetón con ropa ancha y tan felices oye.

168 Comments:

Anonymous MM said...

Je,je,je, ke fuerte..... ¿ Ves lo ke te decía? Escribes my bien y me he reído un montón. Yo nunca podría ser musculoca ni con el método para vagas. Es ke hay ke tener tantas cosas en cuenta, y luego ¿ Para ké? Las musculocas son TAN aburridas. Ke poco morbo.

7:02 p. m.  
Anonymous Zäpp said...

Jajajaja que gracioso el post. Yo tengo unos cuantos amigos que son musculocas, pero a mi tanto musculo no me va nada nada... y eso que incluso he tenido una relacion con uno. En fin...

11:17 a. m.  
Blogger oserlaj said...

juer! Con tus consejos una de dos, o nos ponemos todos cuadrados en un mes, o nos tienen que ingresar en la UCI. Por cierto, me ha encantado eso de incluir las pastillas dentro de los adelgazantes naturales jajaja Un abrazo!
PD: ya está bien de hacer la gracia con los de Comunicación Audiovisual, no??? :-P

3:33 p. m.  
Anonymous toro said...

avisame cuando seas una musculoca que te quiero conocer :)

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Anonymous Anónimo said...

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Blogger VIH DE BUENROLLITO said...

Estimada amiga Cretina,

estoy muy contento de haber descubierto este interesantissimo blog.

Me has inpirado y ayudado a darme cuenta de que lo mejor es que si algnún día te veo vomito fijo, tia!!

Una cosa!! Tu peinado, tu pose, me embelesas esa vacuidad de tu mirada, ese absurdo de tu ligero y amaneradito caer de parpados, que ridícula existencia la tuya, guapetón.

"Cuándo estuve en San fermín
vi un lindo mozo, arrumoso y algo asqueroso, también algo oso.

Me dijo tienes fuego marinero,
de agua dulce yo le dije, maricona yo nací, musculoca me crié y cuándo pensaba que te tenía, me cagué."

Te ha gustado mi poema? es para tí.

A mi la verdad es que todos tus consejos me la sudan. Menos lo de las anfetas que lo hago a diario, ah! y lo de vomitar también, llámame antigua. Darling.

Sólo una cosita mas reina mora, opérate, opérate mucho cómo si fuera esta noche la última vez.

Además mientrastanto yo me puedo ir cagando tu Santa Madre.

VIVA LA HORMONA Y LA TESTOSTERONA!!

sEMOS FELICES QUEREMOS DE BAILAR.

ANOCHE SALÍ DSE CUBA Y ME VUELVO A CAGAR EN TU SANTA MADRE.

EL PLACER DE EVACUAR VA LIGADO A EN TI PENSAR.

Saludutes machote, tienes buen cipote?? porque pote o no pote me recago en tu Santiiiisssima Madre.

=) TODO DE BUENRI, JEJEJEJEJEEE

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